Welcome to garethmiles.com the website for ... er ... Gareth Miles

Welcome to garethmiles.com the website for ... er ... Gareth Miles

Volume 2: A Glorious Waste Of Time

So the next volume is well underway. The usual mixture of death, grossness and general absurdity. Below are one or two highlights. My aim is to have it all done and dusted by April 14th (my 34th birthday). I'll keep you posted. Happy Reading.


Let me tell you about romantic Mike
He once met a girl that he rather quite liked

They’d had a date, he’d walked her home
But the next day when he tried to phone

She ignored his calls, it just rang and rang
So a campaign to re woo her he began

He sent her flowers and chocolates every day
They’d arrive on her doorstep but there they’d stay

He stood outside her window and quoted poetry
And hired banner planes for the whole town to see

He refinanced his home and spent it all on her
Sending her buckets of gems and exotic rare furs

He even tattooed her name across his bare chest
He’d think about her often when he was undressed

No matter how hard she played hard to get
His love for her he just could not forget

But sadly nothing worked, she ignored it all
Was she being cruel? Or was he just a fool?

Finally he snapped - he couldn’t stand it any more
He went round her house and kicked down the door

“Cynthia, it’s me! Stop being such a tease”
But little did he know she’d died from disease

She died the night he’d walked her home
But none had noticed ‘cos she lived alone

He found her lifeless body in her bedroom
A room she’d loved that was now her tomb

She was just as beautiful as she’d ever been
Even though her skin had a tinge of green

He decided to make the most of a bad situation
Because even death couldn’t stifle his infatuation

He scooped up her body, took her back to his place
And then applied a strong varnish all over her face

He spent hours admiring her shiny complexion
For now she truly was his object of affection


Amy was lonely.

She desperately wanted a pet but she wasn’t allowed one.

So when she found a brown goldfish bobbing in the toilet she decided to befriend it.

She scooped it up and placed it in a tank she brought from a junk shop.

She spent hours watching it.

She often wondered how the little fish could swim ‘cos it didn’t have fins.

She often wondered how the little fish could eat ‘cos it didn’t have a mouth.

She often wondered how the little fish could see ‘cos it didn’t have eyes.

It was just a big brown cylinder.

One day she took it into school for ‘show and tell’.

The school called her parents.

Her mum was furious.

She placed Amy’s brown goldfish back in the toilet.

And with a quick pull of the handle Amy’s favorite - and only - pet disappeared.

Poor Amy burst into tears.

Her Dad winked at her and whispered: “Don’t worry love – I’ll make you anoth
er one!”